Ode to useless teeth...

I want to know what the purpose of wisdom teeth is. I mean, really! I barely know anyone that has had their wisdom teeth grow in normally and not have to have them removed.

They come in during your early twenties, don't do a damn thing but grow all sorts of sideways and press against your other teeth, and if you're lucky.. you get to wake up to excruciating pain in your jaw one morning. Oh, and if you're really lucky, this will occur at a point in your life when you have no dental insurance and have just moved to a new state. You now have the pleasure of navigating public transportation, with a swollen jaw, at 6 in the flippin' morning.. and go stand on a ridiculously long line (so long that although the place opens at 9, you have to be there by 7) just to allow a dental student.. a STUDENT! to "practice" (you know, so he/she knows how to do it correctly on people who can actually PAY for a real dentist) pulling your teeth out of your mouth. I am that lucky.

I hate the dentist.

I had the pleasure of having braces from the time I was 8 years old until I graduated 8th grade at age 14. Six years. Six years of weekly visits to the orthodontist. Six years of Novocain, teeth pulling, wire tightening, rubber bands, saliva suctions, spitting nasty gunk into that mini toilet bowl. Six years of this ridiculous contraption they used to hold your lips away from your teeth and gums and just leave you like that for hours (and being that I am so lucky, I always got placed in the front room .. so that everyone walking by to the other rooms could look in at me and stare).

Apparently, it's called a "cheek retractor," according to Google. 

She looks absolutely lovely, doesn't she? o_O

Six years of riding the bus home looking like a deformed chipmunk, cotton falling out of my mouth with every pothole. Six years of walking past this sign every week:

Damn liars.

The day I had my braces removed, I cried from the sheer joy of knowing I'd never have to see the inside of that office again. Never have to see that pencil of a man, goggle-wearing, comb-over having, stupid mustache sportin', heavy breathing orthodontist again!!!!

Then he told me I had to wear retainers. And come back once a month.

Hell. To. The. No.

 See? Even my baby daddy is appalled.

I didn't wear my retainer (yes, my teeth moved, but it's not even noticeable..kinda), and I never went back.

Since then, I forced myself to go have my teeth cleaned, and have two cavities (only ones I've ever had in my life) filled. But that's it. As a matter of fact, that butt-faced orthodontist sneakily put in a permanent retainer on the back of my lower teeth, which I was supposed to have him remove after 3 years. I never went back, so guess what? Yep. I'm 30.. and its still bonded to the back of my teeth. Needless to say, I'm sure they're going to have a field day tomorrow.

So, here I am. Anxious and unable to sleep. Just to make myself more stressed out, I'm weighing the pros and cons of local anesthesia versus asking then to knock me the #&% out. I don't even know if I have the option, since it's a low cost clinic. But, if I do.. that opens up a whole other can of worms. Do I want to be awake for this? Or would I rather be asleep and completely oblivious to the dental student possibly muttering the word "Ooops!"? What if I do go under and have a bad reaction and never...gulp..wake up?

Oh, who am i kidding? Like I said, it's a low cost clinic with the work performed by dental students. I'll be lucky if they tie my tooth to a string and slam a door.

Maybe I'll get a lollipop.

Pray for me.

Namaste bitches!
-D.